Judith Heartsong Essay Contest

This month's essay at Judith Heartsong is I Believe . . .

I believe in love. I believe love has a life of its own and grows continuously within and without. I don't remember the first time I felt love, but I am sure that it was before I was born. I can imagine my heartbroken mother wondering what she would do with another child now that he had left her. I sense she place her hands on her lump of a belly and prayed for wisdom. She probably cried tears of love for the lump that was me and tears of grief and love for her husband.

Nearly 57 years ago, people told her to abort. She couldn't or wouldn't. The doctor wanted to adopt me. She said no. This was her child. Her beloved memory of the love that once was. She wasn't going to quit. In love she bore me. In love she raised us. I never heard her complain that four children was too many. Out of love, she took us to church. She offered her spiritual beliefs to us. She told us God was love. I believed her. She never told me a lie.

There was a fearful night in my room. The windows rattled and the sky outside lit up like daylight. I pulled covers over my head and cried. Beside myself, I ran to her. She pulled me close and her cigarette smell surrounded me. The curtains in her room were wide open and the bright light came again and again. She told me how awesome God was that He alone could light the sky at night and make the clouds crash together for such wonderful sounds. It was God's symphony for a storm, she said. Closer and closer we crept to the window until with each flash we could see the whole neighborhood lit up. I believe that love made thunderstorms a miracle for me instead of something to be feared.

I believe that the love that grows and changes within us comes from God. It's not just that wonderful love that I felt the first time I was kissed, although I was sure that had to be love. I tingled from head to toe and felt wanted and beautiful all at the same time. The real love came in my mama's arms when I found out that puppy love wasn't forever. The love a man and woman experience isexciting at first, but it's the love that stands the test of time that I believe in. I got it all out of order, but I learned about it as I grew.

Inside of me is a well so deep that it will never fill up. It's the well of love. Just when I think it's nearing capacity, it grows. I grow. I believe love conquers all. I'm not an idealist. I've seen it happen. Love turns hatred inside out. My mom planted the seed of love inside me. She told me God loved me before I was formed inside her. She loved me while I was unlovable. She loved me while I was drunk, loaded and crazy. Her love turned me around. My love can turn another life around. That's the miracle.

I believe in the inestimable power of love to change the world.